My Husband Wants a Baby but I Never Want Children
When I was married to my first hubby who was determined most never having kids, I learned through a routine gynecology test, I had a longitudinal vaginal septum (LVS), or substantially my vagina was separated into two cavities. My rushed and frantic doc at the time told me having a kid would be incredibly painful and probably non possible. My dream of condign a mother ended equally did my showtime spousal relationship.
Four months into my second marriage, all the same, I became pregnant with our first child. My husband, who initially didn't want children, took it hard at commencement, but then embraced the idea of fatherhood meliorate than I could take imagined. And, equally it turns out, my LSV by no ways prevented pregnancy or caused any complications. Subsequently giving birth to my girl, my new doctor just snipped and removed it.
Although raising our daughter has been challenging, exhausting, and difficult, it has changed the states irrevocably and makes every single mean solar day an incredible adventure. Which is why when I turned to my husband 1 night, afterwards weepily looking at her photos of when she was starting time built-in, and asked, "When can we have another?" I was shocked with his answer: "I don't want any more than kids. She's perfect for me."
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We've had the conversation a hundred more times, and the answer is e'er the aforementioned. I've talked, exhaustively, to my friends and family, and they all know how passionately we both experience about what we want. "It is a common challenge for couples," says Amber Trueblood, MFT, a licensed spousal relationship therapist in San Diego. "Parenthood is hard on a union, and for some partners, the idea of doing everything all over again isn't exciting—it'due south terrifying."
But how do you bargain with two differing opinions on such an important life decision? Experts explicate the best ways for partners to work through this.
Create a Safe Space to Talk
Open advice is imperative to seeing and understanding the other person's perspective. Know what you desire before going into the chat only try to avert any aggressive language. "Using 'I feel' statements during your conversation volition help to minimize defensiveness and conflict also," says Trueblood.
Also, make sure your partner feels safe entering the discussion and is in the correct headspace for the chat. Choosing to arroyo this after a fight, a hard twenty-four hour period at home, or a rough workday is sick-advised.
"Start off a hard conversation with, 'I accept something I would like to talk most, is now a good time?' This gives your partner an opportunity to cheque in with themselves and their feelings about a big chat," says DeAnna J. Crosby, M.A., clinical director and licensed marriage and family therapist of New Method Health in San Juan Capistrano, California. And if it'south non the right time, scheduling some other moment to take the talk is a practiced idea.
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Sympathize the Why
There's a reason my husband doesn't feel comfortable having another child, just as there'due south a reason I want some other ane—and that's likely the case for any couple going through this. "Perhaps one partner feels financial pressure or fears passing on a genetic bibelot, rendering them incapable of imagining the benefits of having another kid. Or one partner fears raising their only child without siblings because of their own very special sibling relationships, rendering them incapable of imagining raising an merely child in a happy and complete mode," says Trueblood.
Either way, information technology'due south important to fully empathise the reasoning behind each of your opinions, says Trueblood. Learning why your partner feels the mode they practise might not change their listen, but it will give you insight into their frame of reference.
Be Patient
A modify of listen isn't out of the question for some couples, so don't be also quick to write off a happy ending.
"Do non presume 'non now' or 'every bit of now, no' means 'never,'" says Michele Paiva, a licensed psychotherapist who runs Michele Paiva Psychotherapy.
Forth the lines of this, changing the dynamic of the conversation may as well alter your partner's betoken of view as well, which is what I'm learning as I deal with this in existent time with my married man.
"Without feeling that pressure, each person is much better able to absorb and explore both their own feelings and their partner'southward feelings. Y'all may find a shift happen in one or both partners if neither feels they are being challenged or manipulated," says Trueblood. "When seeking only to better sympathize, a space opens up. A space that only may let for some mutual basis to form."
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Practice Gratitude
Instead of empathizing with my married man'due south concerns, I attack them, and oft overlook the positivity in our current life for that desire of wanting "more than." While that'due south normal when discussing emotional topics, says Trueblood, it'due south important to appreciate the positives you lot already have.
"Spend some time and attention acknowledging what is working well in the family and in the relationship first," adds Trueblood. "Offering gratitude, appreciation, and empathy for what y'all already have, is a vital first step earlier you tin can become something more or different."
Consider Couples Therapy
Sometimes, no matter how hard you endeavor, you merely can't manage to encounter the other person's perspective, or the chat e'er ends up in an argument. When you hit the point where you lot are no longer able to discuss the topic respectfully, that'south when information technology might be time for some professional assist.
Couples therapy offers partners the opportunity to become all their thoughts out in a safety space. In today's environment, many therapists are providing virtual sessions. And there are also apps like TalkSpace, BetterHelp, or Dr. on Demand that offer couples therapy too.
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Should You lot Get out?
Deciding to stop a human relationship is never an easy one, but neither is forgoing your desire for a larger family or the importance information technology has on your happiness. In this instance, Trueblood says partners need to ask themselves this question: "Tin I release my frustration and resentment toward my partner so that we may accept a strong, healthy, loving relationship moving forrad and a happy home for our electric current child(ren)?"
For some, it's an easy decision. They want some other kid, their partner doesn't, and they aren't willing to negotiate. While others opt to notice ways to exist fulfilled in their electric current life or hope that their mind will modify as their child grows up without a sibling.
"The most important thing—no matter what your feelings—is that you don't miss any opportunities to let your partner know what is really important to you, and then discover out what is really important to your partner," says Crosby.
Source: https://www.parents.com/parenting/relationships/sex-and-marriage-after-baby/what-to-do-if-only-one-parent-wants-more-kids/
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